


i used to worry about being alone

by silentOrator



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Insecurity, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 18:51:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19115620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentOrator/pseuds/silentOrator
Summary: MJ used to spend a lot of time worrying about being alone, and sometimes, even though she now had some great friends, she still did.





	i used to worry about being alone

**Author's Note:**

> Partially inspired by the following [poem](https://66.media.tumblr.com/a7ac6a0a57531c1567c85b5cbb2b0ffc/tumblr_p11mjfyvwu1wdimipo1_400.jpg)

**Thursday, noon**

“Hey MJ hit us with one of your radical self-love rants,” Ned called as she walked up to their lunch table. “We have an essay for AP psychology on mental health.” he folded his hands together and tried to bow in his seat “Teach us your ways oh wise one.”

The thing is self-love kinda snuck up on MJ.

One day, basically out of the blue, she had looked in a mirror and realized, “Huh. I don’t actually hate the way I look anymore.”

If she had to guess, it was maybe because she had started exercising and pushing herself to be better and bolder and dressing to match how she felt, or maybe it was that one article she had read about how it didn't matter what your stomach or thighs looked like, they were beautiful because they were doing their jobs of keeping your organs in and letting you dance around. Or maybe it was even that one random Tumblr cartoon of the snake girl insisting that you don't love your mind, why must you love your body? It's not a separate entity, it is you.

Actually, MJ had no idea where her self-love had come from. It just had sort of woken up on its own and her love for her growing quads and biceps suddenly outweighed her previous dislike of those soft bits that just were never flat enough…

She dropped her stack of books on the table where Peter had his head resting on his arms. He shot upright with a yelp and Ned and MJ laughed.

"Listen up my young disciples," MJ said in a deep voice as she straddled the seat across from the two boys. "Self-love is knowing that bigger thighs mean more room for your cats to sleep on."

 

**Friday, evening**

Peter and Ned had both blown her off for other more important plans and now MJ was spending the evening alone.

Well, if she was being entirely truthful with herself, that wasn’t true. They hadn’t intentionally blown her off. Ned’s little sister had had a party to go to and Ned’s mom had insisted last minute that he go with her, and Tony had called Peter to the Avenger’s compound for some urgent Spiderman suit upgrade thing. Peter had offered to skip it for her, but MJ had told him it would be fine.

Still, it was hard not to feel lonely looking at the three bowls of face mask ingredients she had put in the fridge that morning in preparation for their home spa and movie night.

“They didn't leave you” MJ slammed the fridge door closed and stomped her foot, “they didn’t leave you out, and you are seeing them tomorrow. Stop being so sad and lonely.”

The thing was though, MJ thought to herself, as she turned off the kitchen lights and walked to her bedroom, it was one thing to know intellectually that her friends still liked her and another thing entirely to convince her gut of that fact.

MJ was all too familiar of the stomach-dropping feeling of checking her phone to see photos of the other girls at each other’s houses, hanging out, getting their nails done or partying without her, or worse the kick to the teeth that it was seeing her four other supposed best friends have a text chain without her in it.

Peter and Ned weren’t like that. The three of them had all the dumb inside jokes she had never had before, the skype chats where time seemed to slip by and at least bi-monthly hangouts to do each other's nails and pump Peter for gossip on the Avengers. All she had to do was ask and they were there to chat or hang out.

But still…

Sometimes MJ would catch Ned and Peter smiling together or even making plans and that damn insecurity that they were leaving her behind would rear its ugly head and bite MJ where it hurt.

She curled up in bed and reached for a pillow to hug.

MJ used to spend a lot of time worrying about being alone, and sometimes, even though she now had some great friends, she still did.

 

**Saturday, morning**

The thing about crying yourself to sleep is, the next morning, at least for MJ, things always miraculously seemed a whole lot better.

The sun was already streaming through the window when she peeled her eyes open and threw her extra pillow at the chair across the room. MJ stretched leisurely and then reached for her phone where she had exactly 69 texts from the boys telling her she better be there at the taco stand at noon or suffer terrible consequences. She didn’t put it past them, that 69 was on purpose.

Still, she had a little more than two hours to get ready and maybe it was time for some of that self-love Ned wanted to know about.

One hot shower later, MJ mixed herself a face mask and a cup of tea and in the quiet morning light, as she tidied her room, MJ re-found her equilibrium.

Some nights were hard. But other mornings, the silliness of two friends blowing up her phone, the sweet smell of her cinnamon yogurt face mask and the comfort of knowing herself, more than made up for it.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](silentorator.tumblr.com)!


End file.
